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Been a long time

Something is/has affected me this day, May 21st of 2015.  I am extremely emotional, weeping uncontrolably - I can't explain it - is the constant rains and cloudy days that have loomed over our skies for, what seems like months on end, could it be missing someone that you haven't spoken too in a very long time, is it the struggle of a friend with similar issues...I don't know...

Do not like the way I am feeling right now, it's dark and very lonely, must find the escape hatch, and crawl out of this dark path.

“Well, if it can be thought, it can be done, a problem can be overcome,” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

Words

The first sounds a child ever hears are that of a parent, the first words of praise and yes, even words of disapproval (when you thought you were being treated so unfairly) are also from a parent.  The latter words are spoken in such a way that a child still knows they are loved, even if the parent is upset. 

               At some point a child begins to retain all that is told to them by the loving parent(s); those compliments, words of encouragement, and yes, even the disapproving words remain with you and help guide you through life.  What if a child rarely receives a compliment and/or the positive reinforcement but only the negative?  What if they have been told that they can’t do anything right or will not amount to much? 

How does a child overcome and handle all of life’s situations as an adult after all that; how do you begin learning, after having children of your own, to do and say things differently? 

Others can give you all the compliments and words of encouragement in the world but, the ones that really mattered are the ones a parent!   

               To make matters that much worse, throw 2 alcoholic parents into the mix and things just went from bad to worse…this was my life.

Trying so very hard to forget all the negative comments and actions done by my parents, since this is all I ever heard growing up, it is not always easy (at times) extremely hard.

 Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.

~ Abdul Kalam

Lost

Been feeling a bit lost lately, is it because I've been ill, maybe it’s because I'm worried that I'll need surgery on my wrist (surgery 'fixes' the problem, however, it may never be the same again) it’s hard to explain.  I suppose the wrist is my fault, I shouldn't have been hitting the punching bag so hard but, I was angry and needed to release the anger and frustration that was building…now I have no other way form of releasing my frustration when it builds.

Something (maybe it’s someone) is missing from my life, so hard to tell; I need to get back out and walk in nature.  Being surrounded by nature and the chirping sound of the birds, is so calming, helps me think, I can shed as many or as few tears along the way and not have to worry about explaining myself.  I can walk for miles, get lost in my thoughts, not realizing how far I've walked, that’s the best part! 

“If you seek creative ideas go walking.

Angels whisper to a man when he goes for

a walk.”

~~ Raymond I. Myers

Acceptance

Acceptance of others but not one self…

We seem to accept others for whom and what they are, why, when most of us can't accept who we are…

We change who we are for others so that they will like or love us; we change our appearance, our clothing, our beliefs, and sometimes our way of thinking simply to be accepted! 

Don't change for others; change because you want to, because it's best for YOU – that right there, is the ultimate achievement. Realize that, even with all our faults, we are beautiful.

“Your outside is just what you live in, sleep in, and has little connection with who you are and even less with what you do.”

― William Faulkner, The Reivers

I haven't written in a very long time...

I haven't written in a very long time, thought it was about time to start again because I have realized that my journey is not over…

Like me, love me, criticize me, judge me, or ignore me it makes no difference to me; I am who I am because of my past and the people I had in my life.  I learned from an early age that I needed to be brave or show courage even in the worst of situations.  I learned to be tough even when things seemed bleak.  I don’t trust easily, I don’t let many in to my circle, I’ve done that and I usually end up on the short end.

However, I will be a friend for life! If I ask if there’s anything I can do, I mean it; I’ll be there if and when you need me.

I’ve tried not to let those from my past mold and define who I am; I’ve tried to be something so much better than what they perceived me to be; more so, than what they thought I was; sometimes I fail but most of the time I do think I succeed.  I used to blame them for the way they treated all of us that they cared more for the booze than us kids.  I don’t consider alcoholism a disease, I think it’s a crutch; an escape from reality…a choice that becomes a habit, which turns to dependency that affects everyone within the home!  I still have many obstacles to overcome, you see, when I look in the mirror, I see all the bad things I was once told and or called; I must learn to think differently.  For that reason, I had to separate myself from them in order for me to heal and although it’s what was best for me in the end I will never have what most of you have or had, the loving support  and unconditional love of a parent(s)! 

Don’t feel sorry for me, for without those events in my life, I wouldn’t be the mother I am today and in the end that is really all that matters…my kids!! :)

I thought my journey ended when I stopped my hike across Spain when in fact, it had only started and continues to this day.  Not absolutely sure were I’ll end up but I do hope that I finally have that peace and happiness I’ve so longed for…

Kudos

I wanted to give praise to my daughter, Christi, my Sweetpea.  While I was in Spain, she stepped up to the plate and helped out around the house.  Christi cleaned, cooked and even created a monthly menu!  I am so proud of her, she, however, did realize just how hard choosing and arranging meals can be on a piece of paper.  She picked-up without being asked, even cleaned out the dishwasher AND reloaded it without so much as a peep from her father!  Since I've been home I have sort of been wondering what has happened to my child, was she abducted, because most of the helped has ended?!? =)~

During this time my son and daughter had a home built and after some delays they are all moved in and ready to experience all the joys of being homeowners...OH, the joy and fun they will have!!  Dahlia, their little girl, is adjusting to her very large backyard...wonder how long it will be before they decide to add to their little family, Dahlia needs a playmate ;)

All I can say is that I have the best kids a mom could ask for...I love you all!!


A mother holds her children's hands for a while...their hearts forever.
~~ Author Unknown

The Pros & Cons / The Good & Bad

I wanted to share my thoughts on the imaginary wall I built around myself, the pros & cons / the good & the bad...
I built it as a way of protecting myself from emotional pain, heartbreak, in general, all feelings and emotions. It was erected to keep everyone at arm's length to prevent them from hurting me with actions or words.  I was not going to let myself get emotionally attached to anyone or anything...and I didn't! It was my own personal haven, my safe place but not a happy one!  
Having that wall also did a great deal of harm, not just to me but to those around me, those that really did try help me, I pushed them away, some never returned and luckily for me, some did returned later in life and they are the most incredible people in my life today!
That wall prevented me from being happy, kept me from loving*, I was lonely, scared, there was no joy, only bitterness! The day that wall came crashing down on top of me, every emotion, every feeling, that I had kept suppressed, came to the surface and it roared loudly!  I was a brave person with that wall, if you said anything to me that I considered mean or hurtful, I was going to fight back with words! Once again, I learned this from my Qualifiers, they used words (and actions) to hurt those around them, "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart..." (even a soul).  After hurting others with my words, I immediately regretted it, I was ashamed of myself because I had just done to them what was done to me and I hated myself for that!!!  Today, I'd like to say I have control of my emotions, my words, my thoughts, but I don't, however, they are better now than they were 6 months ago...I'm still a work in progress!!

On another subject, I was asked about the teasing; had I known why it started and sadly I did. It was because of the way I looked, the way I spoke and because I was short!  My English, in the 2nd grade was not very good, okay it's still not perfect ;)~ My first language was Spanish, that is what was spoken in our home...learning the English language was difficult and when I did speak, it was very broken.  I didn't like the names I was called so after some years of this I decided that I didn't want to be called or 'labeled' as a Mexican, I wanted to be an American, I was born in the US so why should I be called a Mexican?  

*I love my children and have since the day they were born! I cannot fathom how some parents can't love their own children, my children are my world!!


"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again."
~~ Maya Angelou

Monsters

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear that word? For me, it conjures up some bad memories from my childhood.  My monster's were my Qualifier's (alcoholic's) in my life and they were mean and angry looking when they drank. Back then I thought alcohol was a very bad poison that made people do & say some really bad things, however, now I know that alcoholism is a very powerful disease, and one that I too struggle with from time to time. Shoot I learned from the "best" that drinking "helped" all your problems disappear...Ha-Ha!!  
   I do enjoy a drink or two but I have learned the hard way that sometimes stopping at two is difficult, 90% of the time I do okay, it's the other 10% that is hard especially when I think things are too tough for me to handle. I will learn another way to channel that urge to have 'just one more' drink!!
There were 5 kids in our home and Alcoholism and the affects of this drug, affected each of us very differently, which is something I still don't understand (maybe that's not for me to try and understand at this time).
   Most of you knew all of Guerrero kids and some of you knew my brother Joe. I can't say for sure just how much that disease played a part but only three days after turning 21, he chose to take his life! My baby bother struggles with substance abuse, my other brother is a recovering alcoholic, I'm so very proud of him,  he is a great father and husband! My sister, she seems to think everything is alright or maybe that's her way of coping? Then there's me, unlike my siblings, I have chosen not to have any communication with my Qualifier's, that is what I feel is best for me. There was a reason I closed the door on God as a child...I was taught to pray and everything would be alright but when I did pray and asked Him for help, He didn't seem to be listening, why else would he let them keep drinking, saying and doing the things they did?  
   I had to stop caring, stop wishing things would get better, I 'had' to do 'something', long before my brother took his life, I had also tried! Before the age of 15, I had attempted suicide 3 times and each time I woke up I viewed that as something else I couldn't do right (I was reminded of all the things I couldn't do well quite often). I did not want to be alive and not just because of things at home but things at school were not much different! Today, it's called BULLYING, back then it was teasing and teacher's/adult's really didn't know how to handle those situations, but 1 teacher did try and help me, my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Maxwell! Second grade, that's when the 'teasing' started...I can remember being locked in lockers, shoved in trashcans (they were tall and slender back then) and rolled down the hall, I was thrown in the boys bathroom and called all sorts of names, some even followed me all the way to HS.  I HATED being at home and at school, the only place I felt safe was outside, maybe that's why I like to walk?!
   I built a wall around me at a young age and I never let anyone get too close, I was NOT going to let anyone hurt me again, but that wall also worked against me. It kept a lot of good people out!!
   I thought as an adult I could handle anything, I was so wrong, AGAIN!!  I was attacked both physically and verbally by another adult and I did nothing to stop her! Not because I didn't know how to but because this person made me feel like that little girl all over again, the memories of my childhood were all I could think of as she hurled insults my way!! 
   There is a great deal I have chosen not to divulge because I am still coming to terms with some of these events, there are memories I have blocked out until something happens that reminds me, that's when I go for a walk or hit the punching bag, cook, bake anything else but think!

   Now that I spilled most of my guts out for all to read, I am reminded of a question that was asked of me on the Camino...
Am I concerned that my Qualifier's will read this and cause them harm or pain? NO! The pain, the harm, the damage has/was already done.

  The Camino gave me many wonderful memories but most importantly, that walk, The Way, it gave me the courage to re-open that door I slammed shut, courage to tell my story, no more hiding and running away!!!

Choices...

On the eighth day, Audrey and I (Anthony liked sleeping in and usually caught up with us later) rose early because we had a long day ahead of us...from Logroño to Nájera it was a 30.6 km walk.  Audrey needed to stop for coffee and I chose to continue walking alone once again, I hadn't realized how much I missed the peace & quiet, a time to reflect or not even think at all, just walk. As I passed, and I'm sure I'll continue to pass, little villages that almost seem deserted, buildings/homes that have been boarded up or just left vacant. The economy in Spain appears to be taking its toll or maybe it's the youth that have chosen to leave the small village for the bigger cities??  
The walk to Nájera was relatively easy, not much climbing or descending :) and my knee fared fairly well, however, I couldn't seem to control the swelling. 
By know you begin to establish a routine...after you find an Albergue and are assigned a bed, you quickly shower, than it's time to wash your clothes and hang it to dry. Everyone always hopes their clothes is there when you return from lunch/dinner. One evening, my own shorts grew legs and walked off, a couple of hours later they reappeared and after that, I made sure I stopped to eat before I found a bed for the night!
Next, we headed to Santo Domingo and again a pleasant walk, I am finding that I'm losing track of days and what I've seen and where...one mountain begins to look like another as well as all the villages. I've taking pictures and hope that I will be able to describe my surroundings.  On this day, we didn't see Anthony until late in the evening, noticed he was limping badly. He had injured himself and had to take it really slow! Due to his job, he only had 10 days to get to Burgos, but decided to call it quits and take the next bus to Burgos, than head back to England.
Fast forward to day eleven-Belorado to Juan De Ortega, a 26.8 km walk but we decided to walk an extra 6 km because we had heard stories about the Albergue  in Juan De Ortega and they were not good (the following day, we heard from those that did stay...they wished they had walked further too).  We stayed in a Albergue called El Peregrino, the rooms were semi-private and the village was peaceful...UNTIL the lights were turned off...in one of the rooms, someone  was snoring like a freight train!! Even with ear plugs you could hear this person, don't know who it was and I don't think anyone got much sleep that evening!!
Next stop was Burgos...this walk was a difficult one but not because it was mountainous but because the foot path was 95% on black asphalt, which then takes you into the city of Burgos! I walked alone again and did a great deal of thinking and I also did something else I hadn't done for myself since I was a little girl...I prayed, not for anyone else but for me, it was then that I realized I was crying, not a sobbing cry but a calming, almost soothing cry (is there such a thing, I don't know, but that's how I felt)!!  I asked Him for forgiveness for shutting the door on Him and asked for guidance and by the time I arrived in Burgos, I knew what I had to do and that was to return home. 
I don't think I'm a quitter nor do I feel like I threw in the towel, there were other things that weighed heavily on my mind. One being my knee and the swelling and I just couldn't see myself taking pill after pill to try and control it, second, is a blister that would not heal no matter what I did, it only grew bigger and more painful! The third and most important reason for my decision was my family. I came here so that I could begin to heal and in order for me to heal completely, I need my spouse and my kids!! :) OH! And of course my good friends! :)

I may not have been dealt a good hand growing up and it was not always a pleasant environment to be in but it made me who I am today, I broke the cycle and was able to give my kids the life I always wanted, a happy, loving home!  We have had rough times, what family doesn't, but it was always a home full of love!!!  I still have my work cut out for me, I must learn to believe in myself, to like myself...Things will not always be easy, but at least now I have a very powerful tool by my side...God, He was just waiting for me to re-open the door!!

During my time in Spain I was asked what my nationality was, it was quite funny at times...I was asked if I was from Portuguese, Guatemala, Brazil and other Latin countries, no one ever guessed the 'Good Ole' US of A'...Some what funny because I have been trying to figure that out myself for sometime :D