Monsters

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear that word? For me, it conjures up some bad memories from my childhood.  My monster's were my Qualifier's (alcoholic's) in my life and they were mean and angry looking when they drank. Back then I thought alcohol was a very bad poison that made people do & say some really bad things, however, now I know that alcoholism is a very powerful disease, and one that I too struggle with from time to time. Shoot I learned from the "best" that drinking "helped" all your problems disappear...Ha-Ha!!  
   I do enjoy a drink or two but I have learned the hard way that sometimes stopping at two is difficult, 90% of the time I do okay, it's the other 10% that is hard especially when I think things are too tough for me to handle. I will learn another way to channel that urge to have 'just one more' drink!!
There were 5 kids in our home and Alcoholism and the affects of this drug, affected each of us very differently, which is something I still don't understand (maybe that's not for me to try and understand at this time).
   Most of you knew all of Guerrero kids and some of you knew my brother Joe. I can't say for sure just how much that disease played a part but only three days after turning 21, he chose to take his life! My baby bother struggles with substance abuse, my other brother is a recovering alcoholic, I'm so very proud of him,  he is a great father and husband! My sister, she seems to think everything is alright or maybe that's her way of coping? Then there's me, unlike my siblings, I have chosen not to have any communication with my Qualifier's, that is what I feel is best for me. There was a reason I closed the door on God as a child...I was taught to pray and everything would be alright but when I did pray and asked Him for help, He didn't seem to be listening, why else would he let them keep drinking, saying and doing the things they did?  
   I had to stop caring, stop wishing things would get better, I 'had' to do 'something', long before my brother took his life, I had also tried! Before the age of 15, I had attempted suicide 3 times and each time I woke up I viewed that as something else I couldn't do right (I was reminded of all the things I couldn't do well quite often). I did not want to be alive and not just because of things at home but things at school were not much different! Today, it's called BULLYING, back then it was teasing and teacher's/adult's really didn't know how to handle those situations, but 1 teacher did try and help me, my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Maxwell! Second grade, that's when the 'teasing' started...I can remember being locked in lockers, shoved in trashcans (they were tall and slender back then) and rolled down the hall, I was thrown in the boys bathroom and called all sorts of names, some even followed me all the way to HS.  I HATED being at home and at school, the only place I felt safe was outside, maybe that's why I like to walk?!
   I built a wall around me at a young age and I never let anyone get too close, I was NOT going to let anyone hurt me again, but that wall also worked against me. It kept a lot of good people out!!
   I thought as an adult I could handle anything, I was so wrong, AGAIN!!  I was attacked both physically and verbally by another adult and I did nothing to stop her! Not because I didn't know how to but because this person made me feel like that little girl all over again, the memories of my childhood were all I could think of as she hurled insults my way!! 
   There is a great deal I have chosen not to divulge because I am still coming to terms with some of these events, there are memories I have blocked out until something happens that reminds me, that's when I go for a walk or hit the punching bag, cook, bake anything else but think!

   Now that I spilled most of my guts out for all to read, I am reminded of a question that was asked of me on the Camino...
Am I concerned that my Qualifier's will read this and cause them harm or pain? NO! The pain, the harm, the damage has/was already done.

  The Camino gave me many wonderful memories but most importantly, that walk, The Way, it gave me the courage to re-open that door I slammed shut, courage to tell my story, no more hiding and running away!!!