The Pros & Cons / The Good & Bad

I wanted to share my thoughts on the imaginary wall I built around myself, the pros & cons / the good & the bad...
I built it as a way of protecting myself from emotional pain, heartbreak, in general, all feelings and emotions. It was erected to keep everyone at arm's length to prevent them from hurting me with actions or words.  I was not going to let myself get emotionally attached to anyone or anything...and I didn't! It was my own personal haven, my safe place but not a happy one!  
Having that wall also did a great deal of harm, not just to me but to those around me, those that really did try help me, I pushed them away, some never returned and luckily for me, some did returned later in life and they are the most incredible people in my life today!
That wall prevented me from being happy, kept me from loving*, I was lonely, scared, there was no joy, only bitterness! The day that wall came crashing down on top of me, every emotion, every feeling, that I had kept suppressed, came to the surface and it roared loudly!  I was a brave person with that wall, if you said anything to me that I considered mean or hurtful, I was going to fight back with words! Once again, I learned this from my Qualifiers, they used words (and actions) to hurt those around them, "A tongue has no bones, but it can break a heart..." (even a soul).  After hurting others with my words, I immediately regretted it, I was ashamed of myself because I had just done to them what was done to me and I hated myself for that!!!  Today, I'd like to say I have control of my emotions, my words, my thoughts, but I don't, however, they are better now than they were 6 months ago...I'm still a work in progress!!

On another subject, I was asked about the teasing; had I known why it started and sadly I did. It was because of the way I looked, the way I spoke and because I was short!  My English, in the 2nd grade was not very good, okay it's still not perfect ;)~ My first language was Spanish, that is what was spoken in our home...learning the English language was difficult and when I did speak, it was very broken.  I didn't like the names I was called so after some years of this I decided that I didn't want to be called or 'labeled' as a Mexican, I wanted to be an American, I was born in the US so why should I be called a Mexican?  

*I love my children and have since the day they were born! I cannot fathom how some parents can't love their own children, my children are my world!!


"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again."
~~ Maya Angelou